I've Changed

Me at my first Ladies' Night Out, American Fork Deseret Book
April 2003

Back when I was first published (yes, check out the picture of me ... little baby author Tristi) I had one main goal.

You see, when I got my contract, a friend of my mother's said to me, "I hope you don't change now that you're going to be published. An author lives in our ward, and as soon as she got published, she became totally different. She won't give us the time of day anymore."

Other people said pretty much the same thing. "I hope that when you're rich and famous, you'll still have time for us."  "Well, it was nice knowing you." "You'll be different now, I guess."

These comments all really bothered me. Why would getting a publishing contract mean that I would change? Why couldn't I be a published author and still be myself - wasn't there a way to be both? And so I set a goal, the main goal I mentioned in the first paragraph: I was not going to change. I would always be me.

My plan seemed to work. No matter how many book signings I did or classes I presented or book clubs I did, I was careful that I was always myself. I never put on any airs or acted stuck up or pretended to know stuff I didn't know. I didn't name-drop ... even though I actually know some really amazing, highly famous people ... and I tried to stay pretty low-key about some of the awesome experiences I had. I didn't want people to look at me and say, "She's changed. She got published and now she's a totally different person." I was going to fight that tooth and nail.

But then I realized something. I had changed.

I was more confident.

I was more educated.

I was more outgoing.

I was finding new talents to share.

I was becoming an expert in my field.

I was funnier.

I was more popular.

I was learning how to respect myself more.

I was making money.  (Not a lot, but some. Still working on that.)

I was sought after.

I was viewed as a mentor.

I was stronger mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Oh, no. I broke my promise ... I had promised not to change, and then I went and did it.

Almost ten years later, Storymakers Conference
2012. Photo credit Erin Summerill.

When I look at who I was back then and who I am today, I can't say that I regret breaking that promise. The fundamentals of who I am have not changed. I'm still friendly and approachable and helpful and as cute as a button, but I'm also wiser and stronger and more able to hold my own. I have learned so much, and everything I've learned has shaped me. I'm a far, far better person than I was ten years ago.

And have I lost friends along the way? I'm sorry to say that I have. Some didn't realize that I wasn't going to dump them and they dumped me first, thinking they'd take it upon themselves. And some, even though I rarely even mentioned my writing, felt that I talked about it too much and thought I was bragging. What I've come to realize is this -the people who said "Don't change" were really saying "Don't leave us behind. Um, no, we aren't going to pursue our own dreams - that's too hard - so you stay back here with us so we can be more comfortable."

I don't like to think about the relationships that were left behind - it makes me sad. But a real friendship, a real relationship, doesn't punish you for growing as a person, and I learned that the hard way.

Being an author does change you, whether you want it to or not. Every experience you have in life should change you - that's what life is for. If your life isn't changing you, you aren't living it right. We should not leave this planet the same people we were as when we stepped on it. We should be stronger. We should be smarter. We should be more compassionate, more aware, more giving.

I like who I am now. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea - a little Tristi goes a long way - but I'm proud of the progress I've made. I still have a lot to do - weaknesses I want to turn into strengths, character flaws I'm not too crazy about - and, unfortunately, I know that growth will hurt. That's just part of it. But what it all boils down to is this - I've changed. I've changed for the better, for the smarter, for the wiser, and no one should ask you to stay the same either.

Experiences that don't change you aren't worth having.

A Meditation on the Meaning of "Three Little Birds"

My mind has recently been changed on a technique for improving how a person thinks about and talks to themselves. In previous times I thought affirmations were silly. Standing in front of the mirror saying things about myself I didn’t believe felt like a lie and totally ridiculous. Every time I tried I would have “Cool Runnings” flash backs, and give the whole thing up as insane.

I was fortunate enough, however, to attend one of Leslie Householder’s classes at the American Night Writers Association’s Time Out for Writers conference. There were two game changing things that I took away from that class: 1. Faith (which I knew was any action word) can be applied as behaving as if the blessings in which we stand in need, have already been given to us, and 2. Write your affirmations down and read them every day.

The second change was such a, “duh, why didn’t I think of that,” alternative to a daily mirror narrative that I came home, and within the next two days had covered the wall next to my computer with half sheets of card stock that said things like, “I exercise every day,” and “I am a best-selling and beloved author!” Those papers are there every day conveying to me that my goals and dreams are reality in the formative stages, and one day I will able to say those things with verity and conviction.

The first idea, the one about faith, took a few days to digest. At first it seemed like the height of hubris to behave as if the Lord had already given you everything you want, but then I got to thinking about what the Lord can do. Which is everything. And if we really believe that the Lord can do all things, and if we are keeping our hearts in line with his will for us, then we can assume, based on his promises, that everything we need will be taken care of, that solutions to difficulties that arise will present themselves, and that while the Lord will allow us to meet with trials He is not their author.

Operating in this kind of paradigm also means looking at gratitude differently. If we are living as if the blessing to come are present already, then don’t we need to come to the Lord in gratitude for that which will be. It’s made my prayers take on a new quality. And as is typical to me, has added a whole new level of guilt to my tendency to worry and fret over everything. This morning I found this quotation from C. S. Lewis, “Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith, but they are afflictions, not sins.” I’ve always thought that having faith meant not worrying about most things, because you believed the Lord had a plan for you and everything would work out as long as you were doing your best. The story of Job doesn’t exactly jive with that notion. Anyway, Lewis goes on to say, “Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.”

So I’m trying to breathe through the anxiety, read and live my affirmations, and let go of the guilt. Also humming, “Three Little Birds” helps.