How to Write a Perfectly Dreadful Query Letter

by H. Linn Murphy

Because I am a backwards girl, I like to explore the whatif side of things sometimes. So this is my stab at writing a What-if-I-Wrote-the-Worst-Query-I-can-Possibly-Think-of query.

The jury is still out on whether writing a horrible query is worse than writing no query at all, but I can't write a negative, so here goes:

Subject: My book (Let's just make this a great big void in space.)

Hi, um, whoever. I rote this book and just new you'd like it; because it's stoopendus. (Already the slush pile slave's finger is hovering over the delete button for several reasons. Misspelled words, bad grammar, and boasting are all flags. Don't worry about the color of the red flag.)
I got your name off the internet. Put this at the top of your pile. I just know all your readers will read this book and love it so much. (Yeah, don't bother finding out anything about this publisher or what they want to publish. Also don't specify a target audience. On the off chance that your slush pile slave has gone to lunch and just left your query on her desk, keep going.)

This book is about cats. How to take care of cats. I had a cat once. It was a tabby with cute little paws that need me in my chest and chaste mice and one day it cot one and brought it to my feet and it was so cute I just had to right about it cuz I now how to take care of cats reel good cuz I have 51 if you don't count the wild one's that come eat at my house two. They just love me--love love love love. So i will right down all my ways of feeding them and taking care of them and making sweters out of there fir. Their are alot of things you can make out of there fir cuz thay shead alot all over the place and sometimes p but you can try and train em if you just dont feed em. (Poor slushy is either gagging on her sub sandwich or sending the thing out to her co-workers as an example of what dolphins can do with some education. Don't bother letting anybody else read your query. They might steal it.)

This book is 1,000 pages and the size is 24. I'm not dun with it, but if you want to publish this, I can have it done next year. I think. (Slushy is revising her estimates. Even mentally challenged dolphins write better queries. For a dreadful query about a cat book, anything over 65,000 words is great. In fact, the bigger the better. Try 100,000+ words. That'll wow 'em. And try to make the font unreadable and either too small or too large. Don't do 10--10.5 point type and definitely don't look at the publisher's parameters and go by them. In fact, don't even read a publisher's parameters. They're merely guidelines anyway.)

I might send this out to a bunch of other publishers to. If I don't here back by Tuesday, I'm camping on the lawn of the publishing house. (They'll just love that. Make sure you park far away so they don't come by and let the air out of your tires.)

I have a high school diploma and I know how to make doilies. I don't have a husband write now but if you no any good guys that would be swell. Oh and I got a award for spelling in third grade. My teacher said I should right a book so here I am righting a book. (Don't worry about keeping your credentials current or having anything to do with your subject. They'll know right away anyway.)

Wow. You've done it. Now just sit back and rake in the big bucks.

Finding your Passion

Valerie J. Steimle

We are all writers. We all have families which need our care. We want to take care of both but not sure how.  We know how to take care of our families but we don't always know how to break into writing.

 After all the reading I have done for the last 20 years on writing and writers, there is a specific direction to follow. From Heather Moore's My Writer's Lair blog, there are some fantastic questions we can ask ourselves to get on track as a writer.  Check out her blog as she has an excellent collection of books she has written which are fantastic.  You can read selections of her books and they are heat warming, clean and spiritually uplifting.  As an LDS author she has broken into the secular world of publishing as well and is recognized as a clean romance writer.  So great!!

She is full of  phenomenal insight and here are a few of ideas. My comments are in maroon.



Questions to ask yourself in finding your passion to write:
*1. What are you an expert in?

If you are writing a book on parenting, why not start a blog on parenting tips/experiences and build a readership beforehand? Get articles published in magazines, newspapers. Become that expert.

Valerie: Something I have been doing for over 20 years. Families are my passion so the family is what I write about... all aspects of the family.

*2. How are you different?
This will constantly change, but what set your book, or your writing apart from all the others out there?

Valerie: This is an ongoing process that I'm even dealing with. What do I know or have that not a lot of people know or have.... hmmmm.


*3. Relationship with your readers:

Through blogging, social networking, newsletters, etc. keep growing your platform through contact with your readers.

Valerie: This one is a biggie!!!  Networking is one of the most important writing jobs you have. Whether it's social networking, blogging or networking online through groups--the idea is to get yourself out there with your writing.

*4. Join a group

Which professional organizations relate to your book topic? If you are writing historical fiction, join the historical society in your city. Become a board member. Join writers groups, volunteer to help at conferences. Find internet groups that deal with your subject matter. Become an active participant.

Valerie: Also very important. I have homeschooled for years and wrote a homeschooling book to help other parents.  I still spread the word about homeschooling and it is a great niche to be included in catalogs, speaking engagements and online websites.  Fine your niche.
*5. Volunteer

When you have joined a professional group, volunteer to be on the board, a committee, etc. When I first started going to the LUW chapter meetings, I didn’t know anyone. A year later, I was became the Chapter Secretary, then was the Chapter President. When I joined LDStorymakers, it took me awhile to even get “approved” and I only knew 2 writers. From the group, I’ve developed dozens of life-long friendships, served at the 2008 conference co-director, etc. At the co-director, I was able to work with an agent and a NY Editor on personal basis.

*6. Speak for free

When you are not in demand, you won’t get the big bucks. When you are advertising your availability, note that you are doing so FREE of charge. Until you can build up a demand, you are best off donating your time. You will go through a period of trial and error.

Valerie:  I have done this  myself at homeschool meetings and these speaking engagements not only solidifies what you believe and wrote about, you are spreading the word about your topic. Whether it's clean romance or action adventure, people will listen to what you have to say under the right circumstances.


*7. Platform: You are a writer

Beyond your platform based on the topic of your book, you are a writer. This is a platform as well. You can be the expert on:

            Your writing journey

            How you got published

            The research you’ve done for your book (location, time period, truth uncovered)

            The “how to’s” of writing a book

A couple of years ago, I attended the LUW Utah Valley Chapter meeting. The class was taught by a gentleman who had spent the previous summer attending writers conference across the nation. His teaching topic? Which Writers Conferences were worth the time and money. He gave a very interesting run-down.

*8. Learn to teach/present

            You might be an introvert. I am. The first time I even dared to say “hi” to a boy in the hall at school was in 7^th grade. And he had been my neighbor for 7 years! (luckily he said “hi” back). The best thing I probably did was take drama in school, and work in retail in college. I had to greet customers and ask them if I could help them. This was intimidating. When you are doing a book signing, you need to be making eye contact and telling complete strangers about your book in an engaging way. Yes—you have to be a SALES PERSON.

            You’ll have to work on your teaching skills. I went to a Toastmasters meeting only one time. It was amazing. I learned a lot in that meeting, but I was too intimidated to go back.

*9. Create a one-sentence pitch

            In one sentence, be able to tell someone what your book is about. Develop your platform from there.

            In Richard Paul Evan’s book, The Gift, the main character has Tourette’s syndrome. He said, “I also have Tourette’s. The symptoms I describe in the book are based on my own.” As he was on book tour and doing televisions interviews, no one wanted to talk about the story in his book, but about the fact that this best-selling author had Tourette’s.

Valerie: A great idea for any writer with a plan.  I have been asked thousands of times, what my books are about and I can in a few words tell others about what I'm passionate about.  So important.

Heather B. Moore

http://mywriterslair.blogspot.com



Find your passion in writing....