Monday, June 30, 2014

If I Could be a Spy....

This past weekend my family and I watched the newest installment of the Jack Ryan story: Shadow Recruit. I love a good spy story and this one didn’t disappoint me. Then the thought came to me….how would it be if I was a spy?

All those cool cars I would get to drive in shifting high and low through the mountains of Russia. All the beautiful clothes I would get to wear for my chic, sophisticated attitude.  All the places I would visit playing the undercover, “no one would ever discover my true identity” mind set in beautiful places like Europe, Hong Kong, or Australia. What an interesting life.

I would find the intel (short for intelligence) info to stop those mad men from destroying the world and come home a hero…in secret, of course. I would be like a ninja, getting in and out of places quickly and quietly. I could resist any tall, dark and handsome enemy spy and deliver the important directives to the right person.

But then reality set in. Me a spy??? There is no way.  I don’t have a very good memory for names. I would forget who I was pretending to be and then get caught. Not only that, I’m not observant at all anywhere and I wouldn’t be paying attention in my daily spying tasks. Anyone trying to get details of who was where would be very disappointed. I’m completely oblivious.

I’m not good with numbers either. I hate math. Once for a summer job between semesters, I was hired as a temp worker to count inventory in a clothing store.  I kept losing count of the women’s underwear and had to go to the store manager to sign my sheet for the corrections. He finally got so aggravated, he paid me to stop counting.

I’m a little slow at taking hints. Whoever my contact person is on the other side would have to tell me several times what I needed to remember. I have the worst sense of direction and would definitely get lost.  If dressed in formal wear to impress those unsuspecting innocent bystanders, my walk up the stairs would find me tripping and falling down the stairs. There goes my cover.  

What was I thinking? I can barely remember my own passwords for emails, how would I remember pass codes to get secret information? Writing them down would be out of the question. My little notebook of secret codes would be discovered and I would actually be helping the enemy instead of stopping them. Those other spies would make me nervous too and I would mess up.

I am the worst liar too. They would see how nervous I was in two seconds and then I would be in trouble. I remember back in the late 70’s when gas was being rationed and my friends and I were driving across country to get to school. I had to distract the gas attendant while the others were getting gas so he wouldn’t see our license plate and realize were weren’t allowed to fill up.  I was a nervous wreck. We made it through but I almost had to trip the guy so I could keep talking to him while they were pumping.  Kind of like the scene from What’s Up Doc where the hotel “detective” chases the woman with the diamonds to distract her from her diamonds. Not a good idea.

I’m a bit loud too. I wouldn’t be able to sneak up on anyone or get in anywhere without someone hearing me. Besides falling down the stairs, I would talk too loudly even in a whisper.  I’m a little too obvious even for a normal citizen.

 Nope. The spy life is not for me. I just love watching them in the movies.  Much safer too and the world of spies would be a whole lot happier with me out of their way.

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