This past weekend my family and I watched the newest installment
of the Jack Ryan story: Shadow Recruit. I love a good spy story and this one
didn’t disappoint me. Then the thought came to me….how would it be if I was a
spy?
All those cool cars I would get to drive in shifting high and low through the mountains of Russia. All the beautiful clothes I
would get to wear for my chic, sophisticated attitude. All the places I would visit playing the
undercover, “no one would ever discover my true identity” mind set in beautiful
places like Europe, Hong Kong, or Australia. What an interesting
life.
I would find the intel (short for intelligence) info to stop
those mad men from destroying the world and come home a hero…in secret, of
course. I would be like a ninja, getting in and out of places quickly and
quietly. I could resist any tall, dark and handsome enemy spy and deliver the
important directives to the right person.
But then reality set in. Me a spy??? There is no way. I don’t have a very good memory for names. I
would forget who I was pretending to be and then get caught. Not only that, I’m
not observant at all anywhere and I wouldn’t be paying attention in my daily
spying tasks. Anyone trying to get details of who was where would be very disappointed.
I’m completely oblivious.
I’m not good with numbers either. I hate math. Once for a
summer job between semesters, I was hired as a temp worker to count inventory
in a clothing store. I kept losing count
of the women’s underwear and had to go to the store manager to sign my sheet
for the corrections. He finally got so aggravated, he paid me to stop counting.
I’m a little slow at taking hints. Whoever my contact person
is on the other side would have to tell me several times what I needed to remember.
I have the worst sense of direction and would definitely get lost. If dressed in formal wear to impress those
unsuspecting innocent bystanders, my walk up the stairs would find me tripping
and falling down the stairs. There goes my cover.
What was I thinking? I can barely remember my own passwords
for emails, how would I remember pass codes to get secret information? Writing
them down would be out of the question. My little notebook of secret codes
would be discovered and I would actually be helping the enemy instead of
stopping them. Those other spies would make me nervous too and I would mess up.
I am the worst liar too. They would see how nervous I was in
two seconds and then I would be in trouble. I remember back in the late 70’s
when gas was being rationed and my friends and I were driving across country to
get to school. I had to distract the gas attendant while the others were
getting gas so he wouldn’t see our license plate and realize were weren’t
allowed to fill up. I was a nervous wreck.
We made it through but I almost had to trip the guy so I could keep talking to
him while they were pumping. Kind of
like the scene from What’s Up Doc
where the hotel “detective” chases the woman with the diamonds to distract her
from her diamonds. Not a good idea.
I’m a bit loud too. I wouldn’t be able to sneak up on anyone
or get in anywhere without someone hearing me. Besides falling down the stairs,
I would talk too loudly even in a whisper.
I’m a little too obvious even for a normal citizen.
Nope. The spy life is
not for me. I just love watching them in the movies. Much safer too and the world of spies would
be a whole lot happier with me out of their way.
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